Artemis Shardae Hawk

[Artemis Sparrow]

Character Name: Artemis Shardae Hawk
Character Age: 17
Race:(So for you Mr. Profile Critique....she's an elf)
Personality:Artemis is pretty nice to get along with. She is usually not interactive except with people she knows and trust. She gets really pregnant dogy when she dosen't get what she wants. She acts like she dosen't care for her family but she will kill anyone who messes with them. She hates traitors and will hold a long grudge till she is satisfied with their payback. She can be gental tempered everyonce and a while but throws a crazy mad hissy fit and tantrum when she's upset.

Appearance:Arty is a normal height, bout 5'5 she's covered in light green scales that look more like armor. She has a claw that rest in the center of a crecent moon on her forhead and her waist.She could pass for an elf or a normal witch. Her eyes are a dark purple and she has ears just as pointed as an elf and fangs worse than any dragon or vampire
Alignment:?

Biography-She was basically born and raised in the Kingdom of Keisha'ra. It's a land that resides hiden within forests and unknown to every one except one unnamed person. She left on her own at the age of 16 when she inherited her family's estate and fortune. She has an estate not to far from her original kingdom but it remains hidden.She lives on the side of darkness and fights for what she wants.

Family Background: Her mother and father died when she was 15. She has no known siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles. Her mother and father were the king and queen of Keishara nation. (the cross breed between snakes and avians or birds for you people witha kindergarden vocabulary.)

History: Artemis is a mix of unknown species. She is an Avian Snake cross bred. She is able to do magic without the aide of a wand yet sometimes she uses it. And she dosen't need a broom to fly. To go around in unknown territory she uses magic to conseal her identity.(So for you Mr. Profile Critique....she's an elf...for now
Other:
Sample Role Play of your character:

Artemis was laying by the lake of West Point. Her alluring black skirt was pulled up partially high above her knee. A green and silver spaghetti strap top accompanied her along with a long black trench coat and some very kick-new black boots.

The moon accented her feminine curves. The ray from the moon wrapped around her skin glowing radiantly. She stared up at the moon and the silky black skies and smiled to herself as the stars and planets , as well as the smiling moon reflected in her violet eyes.

She closed her eyes and took in the fresh smell around her as the wind stuck its invisable fingers through her nostrils. She could smell it. Rain was on it's way. A piercing scream shattered the serenity around her. Artemis's eyes snapped open and she shot up like lightning, her skirt fell lower in the process.

"What in bloody Merlin's name was that!" she gasped her eyes flashed frightened , and then quickly dissapeared. She wasn never to show weakness in an unfamiliar situation. The banchee like scream that rang out suddenly quieted.

She hopped up onto her leathery boots , her hair flicked, fallowing in synchronized motion as her body arched up to an up right position.

"Lumos" she muttered quietly. Her hand glowed dimly as the sun. After she felt ready and adequetly armed she raced off into the blackness of night. With each step her long silver-golden highlights caught the rays of the moon. As she moved they glistened in the light like pure light.

Her eyes adjusted into the little light as her animal instincts took place.

[Mungrun Steelfist]

Ok, a few queries comments etc

“Arty is a normal hight” – Normal height for what? A Dwarf is much shorter than a Witch for example, so there isn’t really a normal height.

“Family Background: Her mother and father died whn she was 15. She has no known siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles.” – Who exactly were they in the world, were they Kings? Peasants? Etc, it goes a long way into who your character actually is.

“History: Artemis is a mix of unknown species. She is an Avian Snake cross bred. She is able to do magic without the aide of a wand yet sometimes she uses it. And she dosen't need a broom to fly.” – There are four species here, Witch/Warlock, Vampire, Elf and Dwarf, you stated you were ‘undecided’ in the race section, but have chosen one not available here.

“Biography-She was basically born and raised in Europe. She left on her own at the age of 16 when she inherited her family's estate and fortune. She lives on the side of darkness and fights for what she wants.” – You are not on Earth as you know it, it is a different world, Europe is not here. Where did the estates and fortune come from, you haven’t said you parents owned anything etc.

I think this one needs a little more work before it is good to go, more background and personality would be nice, we need as much information as possible to understand how to interact with your character.

[Artemis Sparrow]

Yeah I know it wasn't completely finished. It's not hard to understand my character. Only an idiot wouldnt understand her. You all require WAY TOO MUCH detail which is why it dosen't make much sence.

[Mungrun Steelfist]

We require too much detail, which is why it doesn’t make sense? The logic is backwards there. The lack of information ‘causes’ it not to make sense. Quite simple really.

Unfortunately you have made the classical mistake that many do when using a character, you have an image in your mind of what you want the character to be, but lack the ability or foresight to apply this detail to paper.
For example, you stated you were from Europe. That is a large place, with many, many different cultures and languages. So saying someone is from Europe leaves the possibility of over 49 countries, 19 different languages, communist and capitalist backgrounds, war stricken countries and around 30 religions across five time zones.
Forgive my idiocy but ‘from Europe’ tells me one thing, you are European, but where from? Unfortunately I, like many others am not psychic, and were you not able correctly guess a number I am thinking of between 1 and 50 t would not make you an idiot, simply the odds are against you.
Now throw in religion, language (many countries speak more than one) time zones, climates and you have one massive group of variables.

Accurate and well developed writing requires this much information, characters abilities, skills, history are not just made up as they go along. It is the basis of all novels and authors (the successful ones at least).
The level of information shows that you are actually able to put on paper what you see your character as, surely only an idiot would underestimate the power of detail, the slightest detail can make a huge difference to a situation.

For e.g. On the day that Sarah was shot and killed, Michael was present, but not the killer.

Not much detail there, and it would raise the questions
Was Michael present WHEN she was shot.
Was he witness to the death
Was he witness to the shooting
Was he in cahoots with the killer
Did Sarah die from being shot?

And many, many more questions would arise from it, the answers to these questions would make a massive difference in court.

[Artemis Sparrow]

*sighs* Let me rephrase it for you then. The profile asked for more detail than I could put in at the moment which is why it didn't make sence the first time. If it still dosen't make sence to you then that is fine .I don't particularly care if you or anyone else understands it. They'll figure it out eventually in roleplay.

Ok and your point is?

[Mungrun Steelfist]

Ok then I suggest actually putting what you mean down then, people who mean one thing, but say another do not fit well into writing unfortunately. The English that you used in your post did not denote what you clarified in your last post (perhaps it was structured as one with a kindergarten understanding of English may use), as such it can be misleading.

‘I don't particularly if you or anyone else understands it’ – What? Was that a typo?

My point, well I will leave you to dwell on that, things seem to escape you more than you perceive. If I guess the missing word from the above typo correctly, then I do believe we have a classic case of the very old saying; A & I go hand in hand (I’ll leave it like that, just in case I am wrong of course)

I must ask; if she is covered in light green scales, how exactly does she pass for an Elf or Witch? Are these scales not present on her face? Or does she cover them at all times?

As for the fangs that are ‘worse than any dragon or vampire’ worse in what way exactly? Are they larger, sharper etc using the term ‘worse’ as a slang term or actually ‘worse’ so they are possibly brittle, blunted etc?

It would also be of great benefit to know what type of bird and snake you are crossed with, the varying varieties giving numerous options of course. And are we to assume that from the invertebrate snakes and the hollow boned birds, you are not able to take much damage in combat, blows crushing the light and weakened frame?

Your parents were King and Queen, and then they died and you left. What or who is looking after your kingdom now, as you would be heir to the throne?

Mr Profile critique cannot strike and is redundant where profiles are complete, balanced, and as good as some people think they are.

[Artemis Sparrow]

Ok thank you for being very observant about the specific things that I left out. I left them out because she's supposed to be mysterious. I'll answer the questions in the order you asked them , maybe then you'll KINDLY leave my topic alone and quit pointing out every mistake you see. . And no, this wasn't structured by someone with an understanding of kindergarten english it was structured by someone with more than an understanding of kindergarten english. You also should take note as to whom I was refering to. Because it wasn't you, but you were again clearly mistaking and took offense to something that wasn't directed towards you but if you'd like it to I can go ahead and do that though I do not wish to waste my time on childishh arguments, would you?

1.Yes, I edited that long before you put up your last post so...no explination needed.
2. You obviously didn't see the part that stated " To go around in unknown territory she uses magic to conseal her identity" that ALSO means what she looks like..in case you didn't know or didn't understand. She only walks in her natural skin when she feels safe or is familiar with her surroundings.
3.Worse meaning, can be a lot deadlier than any vampire die or dragon because they are supprisingly strong sets of fangs for her body frame.
4. There really isn't a specific cross breed because her family clearly isn't one type of bird or snake in existance. She has small qualities of the most common birds and snakes.
5. Her kingdom is secret and no one knows where it is, who resides there, what is in there or who is on the throne. It is for no one to know, only I know that ,so basically it IS privileged information and is basically a "Will tell eventually but it's on a need to know basis" type of thing. Happy? Good.

[Mungrun Steelfist]

Give largest 'oh dear' sigh possibe .

Hey, its my job to review the bios, so that’s what I do!

“but you were again clearly mistaking and took offense to something that wasn't directed towards you but if you'd like it to I can go ahead and do that though I do not wish to waste my time on childishh arguments, would you?”

– This did make me chuckle, I did not take personal offence at anything or find it directed at me, however I think it rather rude and ignorant to put such things if someone asks a question/query or otherwise. Someone may well not know what something means, if they ask what exactly gives you the right to start putting such silly little quips and insults down? Is this not ‘pointing out’ others mistakes, and indeed insulting them for it, something you don’t seem to have enjoyed on your own bios. Hi Kettle, my name is pot, your black you know!
The irony of your statement is that ‘I clearly mistook’, oh no, I didn’t, I just shot back with things that had been overlooked as far as grammar, paragraphing and English were concerned as you seemed so keen to point out others failings with English, A & I indeed!

So where is the balance in this character? Fangs more deadly than a dragons, the ability to fly, magic to conceal your identity. What weaknesses do you have to balance these strengths out?

You seem to have missed the point of a character bios, it is there to tell people as much as possible about your character, secret or otherwise. It shows you have a well thought out and balanced character, and gives people and understanding of why you act in rp the way you do. The other RP character cannot just ‘know’ something you have stated is secret it is called power-gaming if they do as it is very probably impossible for them to know this. However, it is essential information if it is to be used at any point in any rp or to do with your actions. It prevents people from just coming up with things to help them out in various situations, and all advanced rp’ers and sites accept it as a trust basis for good rp.
As such , all your secret stuff will need to be included before the bios is approved.
For e.g someone’s parent could have been killed violently giving the character a very dour outlook, but the other characters don’t know that unless told, they will just see the dour side, BUT if the actual writers understand why the character is doing or acting in such a way, it compliments the creativity.

From your point 2, so if crossed with a witch/warlock, or item that dispelled or nullified magic your form is revealed. And maintaining such a spell will of course drain your own magical power?

[Artemis Sparrow]

Ok I see your point, and if i had known that it was your job I most likely wouldn't have lashed out at you in the manner that I did so I appologize. And here's one of my final questions, are you ever going to stop? I may contradict myself when I say this but I'm used to the ones that ask for everything in a way down to what they like what they don't like ect...so I'm sure I left that out. But I've edited my profile so many times just so that you'd leave it (and me alone) and quit "criticizing" and pointing out minor insignifigant details (at least to me)that I don't have the patience to edit it again.

And yes there is but I do not know what they are because I haven't thought of them. I usually use my common alias Ellion Tavian--->z6.invisionfree.com/The_Olden_Era/index.php?showtopic=21 and Artemis, is my other common alias but I usually use the same details. So you're going to have to forgive me if I left a few things out.

[Mungrun Steelfist]

I do normally and have noted that I did not in this case include a little ‘this is not a go, it is constructive criticism’ type thing so I apologise for not adding that inclusion.
Please do not take anything regarding the character personally, it is not intended in such a way it is done to try to eliminate any confusing factors for other members before they go live in RP, it is obviously easier to sort things out at bios stage than in the middle of RP. Prevention is better than a cure type of thing. What you may perceive to be insignificant may well not be, which is why such details are being commented on, little things like your parents background for example, which you have stated as being Royalty suggests you would have been raised in a royal manner, and not so aware of frequenting seedy taverns and the underbelly of many cities. It fundamentally changes what one may have as an outlook on life, along with the experience and learning they could have realistically gained.

Operating on the rule of all things equal or zero balance is the best way to level and balance a character, a lot of people do it in list form.

E.g. Strength 1, 2 & 3 Weakness 1, 2 & 3

Basically, for every strength you have, you must have a weakness as great or greater.
Possible weaknesses for your character if James accepts the race would be things such as Brittle bones, physically weak, possibly cold blooded from the snake side resulting in being slow.
I think that just being realistic as far as physics are concerened is a good approach. So you can fly from the bird side, birds having light frames, hollow bones and aerodynamic shapes results in them being weaker than land animals

Common examples for other races include:
Elves, Elves are quick and agile, but to counter it they are weak and cannot sustain much damage.
Dwarves are strong and tough, but slower with much less reach than others, and no magical abilities.
Vampires have the obvious weakness of daylight and Silver
Witches are terrible in close combat and physically weak to counter their magic

Additional weaknesses are useful too to add character, Mungrun the Dwarf has lost an eye, so has a blind side, but it helps add to his character as a survivor.
The best RP comes from those who play through their disadvantages and weakness. Basically like characters in films and books, if they have no flaws or weakness, they are dull and two dimensional.

Patience is indeed a virtue with writing and it is a shame your are running thin in this case, development of your character should be the inspiration for the writing in the first place, it is the development, experience and background of a character that makes them who they are, the whole nature VS nurture Darwinian type thing.

Just for the future of your rp here, and just in case you view it this way (you may not). When posting etc, don’t take offence at things posted by other characters if you do find them insulting towards you, it is obviously done with the boundaries of the RP and is their character reacting to yours, not their reaction to you. This may seem a silly add on, but some do and have take offence at such things in the past.

[Artemis Sparrow]

Even though my character is born of royalty she does know about a few rougher parts of cities because she treds there a lot more than in the higher class areas. There are specific details but they'll figure it out and find them eventually

Yeah I know what you mean. It's just that if the bio dosen't ask for it I won't put it. It takes enough time as it is getting the right details into the bio

[‹James›]

OKAY!

This was quite amusing to read (no offense to either of you). Artemis, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mungrun in certain parts. I know what you mean by these bios for I have done them at one time too and even though I am not proud of those times, I have come a long way and have escalated to better Role Play and better bios. I can send you a biography of a character that I made on another site (conveniently with the name of James, lol) Anyways, the biography for that profile was the longest one I've ever written and even thought it still left a bit of mystery to the reader, it shared QUITE A LOT OF INFORMATION. Lol.

Character profiles are supposed to be mysterious, but in order to have that, you need it to be as detailed as possible. It is the way that you write it that makes it mysterious. As for my character here. His appearance is mysterious (to me, who created him). He has tattoos in random places on his body, long black hair, he is supposedly a scribe, he has black hair and bright blue eyes (a somewhat rare combination), he always carries daggers, his age is more than he looks for a human. There are a lot of questions for him, but the bio I made for him is quite detailed.

Artemis, I know you can probably make a really good bio. I know we require a lot, but this is how we get the best of Role Play out of people here, and that is also how we help anyone willing to learn how to Role Play effectively and at a good level.

I know Mungrun can be a bit picky (no offense Mung) about the bios, but it is all in good sense, what he says is most of the time true and very accurate, and I encourage your to listen to him and not argue....just try to fix things.

Also, if you want me to help you, I'd be willing to.

As for the kingdom she comes from, you could possibly have that kingdom be from Mystic Kingdom, which also creates more of a mystery. I do that with a lot of my characters. Remember Salem from Salem's Academy of Magic? Well, I've started using him on many HP sites and at one point I even played him as a student who's father was the headmaster of Salem's Academy of Magic but he was at Hogwarts. So I play off of other sites a lot, and that also creates a link to you and your character as well as a degree of mystery.

Mystery does NOT include lack of detail, it includes the way you share that detail.

I hope that helped. ^_^

[Artemis Sparrow]

I'm glad you found it amusing...>_> (>.<)...


I haven't really decided where she's going to come from. But I guess I can use some help cause I'm tired of it I really am. I don't know if I want her from M.K But she's probably going to be from Keisha'Ra instead.

So what your saying basically is that the song isn't over till the fat lady sings right?...well bring on the new profile >.< *dreads remaking it obviously*

[James Telstar]

You see, what you do is think of things you wish to do, and when one thing fails, try another. That's how I created my character, James Telstar. He has a new weakness (which I must add to the bio) of his temper being way out of control. Then he has another of having bad memory, so he can't remember every spell he wants to. To counter 2 very big weaknesses (slightly), he has a neutral (blessing / curse style) of a split personality brought on by using magic at age 2. So, on top of his bad memory, and his temper. he has a second personality that sometimes helps (throws out an odd spell and helps James find out what to do), and also hurts (getting in the way, or distracting James so he forgets to cover his rear end in a battle).

[Mungrun Steelfist]

May I be the first to say and in the style of Prof Farnsworth from Futurama: A wha?

[Dark]

Perhaps you should just approve her race, and let her work on her pro while she rps...

[‹James›]

The races of this site are also a test to any Role player who comes here, to Role Play effectively with a race they might not like. It tests ones ability to be able to create a profile from scratch. Here is where I first started experiencing with a new type of character, and now I use James on most Fantasy sites I Role Play on.

I can't wait to see your new and completed profile though. ^_^ Good luck.

[Artemis Sparrow]

Yeah because I am going to need it...seriously. I feel like crying having to redo this bloody thing -.-I seriously dont have the energy for it...but if it will get everyone off my back I'll give it to you...in about a couple of years give or take a few months.

[Mungrun Steelfist]

I don¡¦t think a new bios is necessarily needed. This one could just be tweaked. The history could stay fairly similar, just adjusted to one of the current races.
The appearance thing would be the main part I suppose.
As for strengths etc I think if you chose to be a vampire good or bad, they are fairy similar, flying, fangs, fighting ability etc just with the big weaknesses of sunlight and silver.
Or you could be another dwarf getting lonely on my own, the only stuntie around these parts!

[Artemis Sparrow]

I could but I dont know the first thing about dwarfs...I dont fancy seeing myself half the size of a hobbit and 1/4 the size of a man....<.< no offense. Plus it would mean revamping my entire profile...-.- which I already don't want to do.

Ehhh-.-...I'm going in circles chasing my tail being confused and lost..